JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
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Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
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I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
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Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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