I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He? As in you personified your dick?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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