i jhust puked up my retainher.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
