I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
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Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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