final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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