Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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