it's too hot outside to masturbate.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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