if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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