Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He kissed a someone with a penis
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
