Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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