i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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