There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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