ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
