sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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