He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
