So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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