Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
