Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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