Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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