Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
