i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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