Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
