Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
