I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
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Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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