if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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