I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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