who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This is my gift to your gina
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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