You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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