I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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