he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
