Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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