Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
