Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
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Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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