i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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