I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
