Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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