My underwear smells like fireworks.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
