there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
