She said her name was "party"
I think my fart just growled at me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
