Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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