Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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