I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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