easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
