apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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