Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
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True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
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If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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