does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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