SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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