my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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