my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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