i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
