12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
