She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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