She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
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Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
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I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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