My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
