where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
